I have been a little down lately. Somedays it seems as though the weight of the world is bearing down on me. There is no big thing, no real crisis, just lots of little things. Little things that I have ZERO control over. Hurts I can’t heal, pain I can’t ease, problems I can’t solve. I get overwhelmed a lot. I have anxiety and panic attacks.

Sometimes I just go too far inside my own head.

I had to get out of my house the other day. The wee one and I had some time to kill in between appointments so we popped out the stroller and went for a walk through town. I can’t begin to describe how much good it did me. The leaves were still vibrantly colored but just dry enough to be falling around me and rustling up the street. There were nothing but puffy cotton ball clouds in the sky. My T-shirt and jeans were just the perfect outfit for the temperature.

As I started to feel the pressure lifting off of me I looked down at the sweet face staring back at me and I was happy. I realized that everything I had been worrying about just wasn’t that important.

Sometimes I worry that I talk about him too much, that I show too many pictures. When I started this blog I did it with the intention not of making money or having a following but of documenting all the little things. I don’t want to look back 5 years from now and realize I can’t remember what our days were like. I want to stay true to myself and be my own person but I’m going to stop being afraid to be the dreaded mommy blogger too.

November 10th, 2009 | Category: Blogging, It's Chase, Uncategorized | Comments (4)

Chase -

Today you are 5 months old, I can’t believe how time has flown. Clearly it’s been a whirlwind since I never did write you a month 4 letter. Most days it’s 3:00 before I realize that over half the day is gone, of course it doesn’t help that we sleep in every day until 9 (or later). You are still so happy in the morning, I honestly have no idea where you get that from, it’s surely not from me.

You found your voice sometime in the past two months. You love to shriek, it’s funny because you go so high pitched that your voice cracks and almost no noise comes out. I would take a video of it but every time I pull out the flip you go completely blank and just stare at it. You are completely mesmerized by the video camera and refuse to perform for me when it’s on.

You’ve learned a lot of new tricks in the past two months. You, of course, put everything you can get your hands on straight into your mouth. You rolled over onto your stomach once while you were at your grandma’s, you obviously didn’t like it because you have yet to do it again. In the past week you have gotten a little more comfortable with tummy time and have learned to flip yourself over when you are tired of it.

I’ve had a lot of people question whether or not I’m getting bored with being at home with you. I can honestly say there has yet to be a truly boring day. There are days that I want to cry, there are days we both cry, there are days when I yell at you. I’m guessing there will always be those days. There are also the mornings we lay in bed and sleep away the morning haze and I wake to you cooing at me. There are afternoons that we nap on the couch together. There are hours spent trolling the aisles at Target playing with the toys and entertaining the shoppers. There isn’t anything I would trade all these little moments for.

I’m getting ready to leave on a trip this weekend. I won’t see you for seven and a half days. I’m going to miss you like crazy. A couple of people have asked if this is my first time away from you or if I’m nervous about leaving you. I almost feel guilty for saying no to both questions. I left you for the weekend when you were barely 2 months old, your dad and I went on a mini vacation for 4 days last month. I guess it seems odd to some people that I’m so comfortable being away from you. I want you to know that my being away from you isn’t about not wanting to spend every day and every night with you, it’s about staying true to myself. I don’t want to completely lose myself in being your mom. I want you to be able to look at me someday and see everything I am. I want you to love me as your mom and be proud of me for me.

I love you with every piece of my heart
Mama

October 21st, 2009 | Category: It's Chase, Photos | Comments (12)

Ok that may have been just a little bit dramatic but what can I say my emotions? they are all. over. the. place. The stupid thing is, I recognize this pattern and I know it means I need to get back on my medicine. I know that the vicious swings from elated to edgy are a result of my anxiety. It pisses me off that I can become so unraveled over nothing. Sure I have problems but they are nothing compared to those of my closest friends. I know there is no hierarchy of pain but sometimes I just want to kick my own ass for the pity parties I throw.

I’ve been really struggling to write lately. I can’t seem to find my rhythm. I tried only writing when I felt I had something pertinent to say but that didn’t feel like enough. So I tried participating in NaBloPoMo for September and clearly that was a big fat #FAIL. I felt like I was posting idiotic ramblings that eventually would turn people away. I can’t seem to find the middle of that scale and make it all balance out.

I’ve been pouring a lot of my time into my gig over at Aiming Low (have you been there? no? go now, I’ll wait…) The posts I’ve put up over there have been just about everything I can squeeze out of tired little fingers. I’m also trying to work on a little site redesign and move over to my own domain. Then you know there is that pesky business of running my day to day life. Apparently bills do not pay themselves and my laundry is yet to be self cleaning.

Lately it has felt as though I can’t finish anything I start. I’m trying to way to many things at once and I am only succeeding in running from one to the next making a mess of everything. That said I’m going to do the only thing I really know how to do when I get like this. I’m going to make myself a to-do list and just start pushing through it. The month of October IS going to be productive for me, I will not let it be another September.

Now I’m off to watch TV start my list.

October 6th, 2009 | Category: The hard stuff | Comments (7)

I would TOTALLY wear this shirt.

September 10th, 2009 | Category: Random | Comments (2)