Chaser

It’s hard to believe that another whole month has passed, at the same time I hardly recognize the boy from last month’s letter. This month I watched even more of your babyness slip away from me. You are changing so fast that it frightens me sometimes. I’m terrified that I’m going to miss something or let a moment pass me by. Pictures of you are filling up every available corner of my computer. I’m trying to take more videos of you but you are still somewhat hypnotized by my flip camera.

You are no longer my toothless wonder as your top two teeth have come in and are starting to make their way down. One of your bottom teeth has made it’s triumphant escape with the other shortly behind it. This has not been a pleasant process…for either of us. Apparently your teeth only hurt at night which in turn is causing my teeth to hurt because when I’m overly tired I clench my jaw. I can only hope that this is over quickly and that there will be a break before the next teeth come in.

As I predicted you have learned to crawl. It only took you a matter of days to figure it out once you got up on your hands and knees. Your days of lying contently on your back are most definitely over. Your attention span is that of a gnat which leads to lots of going back and forth and spinning round and round as your eye catches the next thing you feel you must get your hands on. The current object of your affection is Kitty. For a cat with a general bad attitude towards children trying to touch her, she is very patient with you. She will sit several feet away from you and tolerate your squeals as you scoot across the room towards her. She waits until you have reached her and gotten a light touch before she runs off. I find it awfully kind of her to let you have just a little fun before she zips away.

It eats at me that this month, the month that you have changed the most, is the month that I have been most absent. I took a temporary part-time job at my former office to try to make a little extra money. I was so concerned about how you would react because you had reached the point where you were slightly wary of strangers and cried if I left the room. I was more than a little nervous about how this would work. I prepared myself for day one to be a battle. I won’t deny that I was a little heartbroken when not a tear was shed as I left you in a stranger’s arms. The adjustment has been much more difficult on me than you. I worry about the time I’m not spending with you but I know that both of us are probably better for it. Every day I come home and the second you spot me your whole face lights up and you giggle while you stretch out your arms. That alone is enough to wipe away any hurt that my day has given me.

Looking ahead at the coming months I realize that all to soon I will be planning birthday parties and waiting for those first precious steps. I continue to be reminded every day just what a true miracle you are. I love each and every part of you from your little blond curls to your little monkey toes.

All my heart
Mama

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Chaser

Last week you hit the 8 month mark, and I know I have said it every month but WHERE did the time go. When did you stop being a baby and start growing into a toddler. Everyday it seems that another little piece of your baby-ness slips away. You no longer want to be held when you are sleeping, in fact you usually won’t go to sleep if you are being held. I’ve spent a lot of time in the past few weeks sneaking into your room at night to watch you sleep. You still look like my baby when you are curled up and sleeping.

You are so much like me when you sleep. You rarely fall asleep and stay that way, it takes several tries every night and a few rounds of music. You seem to have the same sleep twitches that I have and they frequently wake you up. You usually start the night swaddled in a blanket but you always manage to wiggle out of it in your tossing and turning. It never fails, I lay you in the middle of your crib every night and less than an hour later you wake up and when I go to investigate I find you stuck in a corner with your blanket stuck and binky lost. We go through this straightening out routine at least 3 or 4 times a night. I have absolutely *no* idea where you would get that from.

I’ve been prodding you for weeks now to start sitting up on your own and now that you’ve finally got the hang of it you have NO interest in anything but being on your tummy. Figures. You lay on your stomach and wiggle with all your might just trying to figure out how to move. You can spin in circles and occasionally you scoot backwards, which really just pisses you off because you end up further away from your toys. I figure you’ll be crawling by the time I write next months letter. However I was also sure that you would have teeth by now but alas you are still my little toothless wonder.

I’m going back to work today, just part time and only temporary for now, but I’m so nervous I could cry. I probably will cry when I drop you off at the sitter’s today. I know that this will be good for both of us, just like I know we need the money. I know that you will enjoy being around another little boy. I also know that spending a little time away from me will be good for you. Lately you cry whenever I walk away from you or leave you with someone else, even your dad. I’m sure the time apart will be good for both of us and I’m sure it will make me a better mom when we are together. I’m just afraid I’ll miss something big and I know it will make me sad the first time you don’t cry when I leave you.

Looks like this month there will be a lot of changes for both of us.

Love Mama

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Chaser -

This month flew by, absolutely flew. Every day you do something that just takes my breath away. You are becoming a little boy. Traces of your babyhood slip away every day, making me weepy and excited all at the same time.

The biggest thing that happened this month was the putting away of the infant carrier car seat. We boxed it up and put it in storage and moved you to your big boy seat. It’s still rear facing of course, don’t worry I’m not breaking any laws. Let me tell you, it took me a week or so to get the hang of not having that carrier to tote you around in. Luckily you really like your new fancy pants stroller with the reclining seat so you can still sleep in it.

Your first Thanksgiving came and went without a hitch. You cooed at all the right times and slept at all the right times and pretty much played the part of perfect baby. You had your first taste of whipped cream and you were not shy about letting me know that you would like to have it become a permanent part of your diet.

Your dad and I finally got our shit together and had you baptized as well. I’m not sure why it took us so long but what can I say, I lose track of time these days. You continued on with your angel routine that you started at Thanksgiving and behaved like a little gentleman. You weren’t exactly thrilled at getting water dripped on your head but you held your distaste to a slight glare at the pastor, at least thats what everyone tells me. I wouldn’t know, I can’t remember anything except for how close you came to throwing up in the baptismal font. Now THAT would have been embarrassing. As it was, you managed to aim it right down my front. I managed to hide it and no one was the wiser, except your  Godparents, even your dad failed to notice (see your Godfather’s face in the picture below).

It’s hard to believe that as I’m writing this we are already into your eighth month, you’ve had your first Christmas and your first birthday is just around the corner. I love you more every day.

Love
Mama

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Chaser,

For serious? Six months old? How is that even possible. It truly does seem like just yesterday that I brought you home from the hospital all pink yellow and new.

You have changed so much in a month. Everyday, it seems, you do something new, and usually terribly cute. This month you sat in a high chair and took your first ride in a shopping card without your infant seat. You rolled completely over, voluntarily. (Let me be clear, you have rolled over before just not without lots of prompting and maybe some help) You figured out how to maneuver your bottle and your pacifier by yourself. Can I just add that I LOVE that you hold your own bottle now. I can plop you in your high chair, recline the seat and let you do it yourself so I can clean chat on Skype.

Everyday you become more and more your own person. You have a lot of personality. I see so much of myself in you from your quick temper to the silent laugh you do when you get excited. Sometimes you do this thing where you look at me and raise your eyebrows and then you laugh at me. It doesn’t matter if you’ve kept me up all night for a week I always smile back at you. It’s nearly impossible not to.

You spent a week at your Grandma’s house this month and my lord it was hard to be separated from you for EIGHT DAYS. Your first Halloween was the day I returned. I had been awake since 2 am and spent 6 hours traveling. You had been away from home for over a week. We were a hot mess that night, but we had fun. We went trick-or-treating with friends in their neighborhood. You were so charming at each house, you smiled and giggled at everyone. By the time we reached the end of the street and turned to head back you were asleep in my arms (good thing we had the stroller with us). We were barely home for a week or so before we packed up and left again to go stay with Grandma while she recovered from knee replacement surgery. You were quite the little charmer at the hospital (even if you weren’t supposed to be there)

The day I took your “Look at Me Grow” pictures I uploaded them to the computer and started comparing all 6 sets. It’s hard to believe how much you have changed in such a short amount of time. I can’t imagine how different you will be 6 months from now when you are a year old. This month was the first month I had trouble with this photo shoot. You are becoming more and more mobile and active. I can’t imagine how hard this will be when you learn to crawl.

If you look at the date you will notice that this month’s letter was written well into your 7th month. What can I say, I’m just not as on top of things as I used to be. Perhaps it’s because we spend so much time cuddling on the couch or sleeping in. Trust me I’m taking advantage of all your cuddly time now so that hopefully I don’t embarrass you too much once you’ve grown out of it.

Always
Love Mama

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I have been a little down lately. Somedays it seems as though the weight of the world is bearing down on me. There is no big thing, no real crisis, just lots of little things. Little things that I have ZERO control over. Hurts I can’t heal, pain I can’t ease, problems I can’t solve. I get overwhelmed a lot. I have anxiety and panic attacks.

Sometimes I just go too far inside my own head.

I had to get out of my house the other day. The wee one and I had some time to kill in between appointments so we popped out the stroller and went for a walk through town. I can’t begin to describe how much good it did me. The leaves were still vibrantly colored but just dry enough to be falling around me and rustling up the street. There were nothing but puffy cotton ball clouds in the sky. My T-shirt and jeans were just the perfect outfit for the temperature.

As I started to feel the pressure lifting off of me I looked down at the sweet face staring back at me and I was happy. I realized that everything I had been worrying about just wasn’t that important.

Sometimes I worry that I talk about him too much, that I show too many pictures. When I started this blog I did it with the intention not of making money or having a following but of documenting all the little things. I don’t want to look back 5 years from now and realize I can’t remember what our days were like. I want to stay true to myself and be my own person but I’m going to stop being afraid to be the dreaded mommy blogger too.

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Chase -

Today you are 5 months old, I can’t believe how time has flown. Clearly it’s been a whirlwind since I never did write you a month 4 letter. Most days it’s 3:00 before I realize that over half the day is gone, of course it doesn’t help that we sleep in every day until 9 (or later). You are still so happy in the morning, I honestly have no idea where you get that from, it’s surely not from me.

You found your voice sometime in the past two months. You love to shriek, it’s funny because you go so high pitched that your voice cracks and almost no noise comes out. I would take a video of it but every time I pull out the flip you go completely blank and just stare at it. You are completely mesmerized by the video camera and refuse to perform for me when it’s on.

You’ve learned a lot of new tricks in the past two months. You, of course, put everything you can get your hands on straight into your mouth. You rolled over onto your stomach once while you were at your grandma’s, you obviously didn’t like it because you have yet to do it again. In the past week you have gotten a little more comfortable with tummy time and have learned to flip yourself over when you are tired of it.

I’ve had a lot of people question whether or not I’m getting bored with being at home with you. I can honestly say there has yet to be a truly boring day. There are days that I want to cry, there are days we both cry, there are days when I yell at you. I’m guessing there will always be those days. There are also the mornings we lay in bed and sleep away the morning haze and I wake to you cooing at me. There are afternoons that we nap on the couch together. There are hours spent trolling the aisles at Target playing with the toys and entertaining the shoppers. There isn’t anything I would trade all these little moments for.

I’m getting ready to leave on a trip this weekend. I won’t see you for seven and a half days. I’m going to miss you like crazy. A couple of people have asked if this is my first time away from you or if I’m nervous about leaving you. I almost feel guilty for saying no to both questions. I left you for the weekend when you were barely 2 months old, your dad and I went on a mini vacation for 4 days last month. I guess it seems odd to some people that I’m so comfortable being away from you. I want you to know that my being away from you isn’t about not wanting to spend every day and every night with you, it’s about staying true to myself. I don’t want to completely lose myself in being your mom. I want you to be able to look at me someday and see everything I am. I want you to love me as your mom and be proud of me for me.

I love you with every piece of my heart
Mama

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I don’t have much to say today, hence the picture post.

Before Chase was born I read an article suggesting that you take a photo of your baby each month next to the same toy or stuffed animal to chart their growth over the first year. It took me weeks to find the right stuffed animal and I actually ended up with two. Anyway here are the first three months of pictures. I can’t believe how much he has grown.

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Chase,

I have struggled for a week to figure out what to say to you after this month. Someone very wise said I should write “Dear Chase, This month you were an asshole. Love Mom”. Unfortunately this isn’t far from the truth. You seem to be at your first of many “difficult ages”. You have figured out how to scream and you certainly aren’t afraid to tell me when something is not to your liking. You and I spent most of this month by ourselves as Daddy was working out of town. We had some pretty serious battles of will this month and honestly I’m not sure who came out ahead. I do know that plenty of tears were shed, mostly mine.

You finally started reaching for things and holding them. I think sometimes you know exactly what skill I’m waiting for you to develop and you taunt me by refusing. You wait until I have let the voices in my head convince me there is something wrong and then when I’m at my wits end you smile and perform like a little circus monkey. What frightens me is that this is only the beginning of your mind games with me.

It hasn’t been a constant battle however. I’m still blown away everyday at how much I love you. You are so happy in the mornings, as soon as you see my face you smile and gasp. You’re closer and closer everyday to an actual laugh.

I can’t imagine how much you will change in the next month after watching so much change this month. Soon you’ll be rolling over and laughing and sitting up on your own. I can’t wait to watch you reach each of these milestones and at the same time I’m not quite ready for you to be so grown up.

No matter how big you get promise me that you will always need me as much as you do now (even if I complain about)

Love Mama

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Twitter can be a powerful thing…that is obvious and yet I’m still surprised at the ways it affects me. A couple of months ago I put a picture of my newborn up as my avatar. While I got lots of compliments on it people wanted to see me too. I complained that I had no recent pictures of myself and didn’t want to use an old one. Out of the blue Heather emailed me and mentioned that she was going to be in my area and would love to shoot my family. I cannot even begin to describe how happy I am with how the pictures turned out. Getting a decent shot of my hubby and I can be hair-raising, add a baby in the mix and I have no idea how she managed to capture us.  Here are a few of my favorites. Check out the rest of Heather’s work on her Flickr stream or her photography website. If you ever manage to get in her area I highly suggest wrangling her for pictures.

Thank you a thousand times and then some Heather!

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Little Man,

Yesterday you turned 2, months that is. I don’t even know what to say to that. Some how in that short span of time you have gone from this:

to this:

The more you grow the more I start to see glimpses of what you’re going to look like in the future. Your eyes get bigger and bluer every day with the longest eyelashes I’ve ever seen. I’m actually quite jealous of them. You’ve hardly lost any of your hair, in fact I think the back of it has gotten longer. Your cowlick in the front is so much like your Dad’s that I can just imagine someone asking you if you gel your hair to make it stand up like that just like people have asked him. I imagine you won’t be any nicer in your response than he is.

You started to smile about two weeks ago, but it wasn’t very often and usually for no reason at all, mostly in your sleep. Last week you started smiling in response to things. You smile at me when I tickle your neck and sometimes just when I talk to you. You also smile at yourself in the mirror. It won’t be long before you realize that you can make noises other than crying. For the most part you are a pretty happy baby but you sure can pout when you want to. So many times I catch you wrinkling your eyebrows and knitting them together just like I do. I wonder what goes on in your little head to elicit such a face.

You have changed in so many ways but more than that I think that I have changed. In a lot of ways you have calmed me. I don’t know how that works exactly but I know that when I sit with you in your room in the quiet dark evening hours rocking you I don’t feel any pressure. However my anxiety still rears its head every so often, for instance two weeks ago I was CONVINCED that you were blind or at least partially blind. For some reason I decided that buying a book detailing milestones for the first year of your life week-by-week was a good idea. It took me awhile to realize that you are just a couple of weeks behing what they deem normal, whatever, I think you are perfect. Needless to say you came around and started actually focusing on things, including me, which thanks for that. Another way you have changed me is evident in my absent-mind-ed-ness (totally a word, trust me). For example, last Saturday I locked myself out of the house…twice…once with you in it. That is another story for another time. Suffice it to say that if I were capable of coherent thought it would not have happened…either time.

Its hard to write this letter to you tonight because I’m not with you. I’m going out of town this weekend and I had to leave you behind. I’m not ashamed to admit that I cried when I thought about it this morning, I cried when I tried to kiss you goodbye, I cried in the car, and I’m crying just thinking about it. I know you are in good hands (your daddy’s) but this will be the first night I haven’t rocked you to sleep since we came home from the hospital.

In some ways having you has been the easiest thing I’ve ever done. I love that when I talk you look at me and I can make you smile. I love that when you cry or get scared I can comfort you when no one else can. I love that you hold my hand and arm when I feed you. When I hold you on my chest you clutch the collar of my shirt or my necklace just as tight as your little fist can squeeze as if to make sure I don’t leave you. Some day, all to soon I’m sure, you won’t need or more likely want me as much as you do right now. In some ways I wish I could keep you this small forever. Only now do I fully understand what people mean when they say that having children is like having your heart ripped from your body to have legs of its own.

I have so many hopes and dreams for you that I couldn’t begin to list them all. Most of all I hope that someday you will look at your own new baby and truly understand everything I’m telling you now. I love you with all the pieces of my heart.

Love Mama

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